Fostering Powerful, Healthy and Long-lasting Work Relationships
- The Little Physio
- Jul 4, 2019
- 5 min read
The Gottman Institute is a well known research based couples relationship education resource. A concept they talk about is The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. These four things, if present, are predictors of a rocky relationship and potentially ending in a form of separation. They are problematic when present in a relationship but can be addressed to foster a healthier one. The four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Although Gottman focuses on couples relationships, one has to wonder if this can be applied to leadership and management to foster healthy, viable and long-lasting work relationships? Let’s explore each of the horsemen in the context of work and how one can counteract them.
1. Criticism
“Criticism is the action of expressing disapproval of something or someone. A criticism is a statement that expresses disapproval.”
Criticism is when the focus is an attack on the person’s character rather than having a specific complaint. For example, one might hear, “You are always behind on your clinical notes. What is wrong with you? Other clinicians are just as busy but they manage.” When one also hears a comparison to their colleagues, the person at the end of the criticism hears, “You’re not good enough.”
Instead of directing the criticism at the person, try to use the “I feel”. When rephrased, this might look like, “I feel like you have been struggling to finish some tasks in the last week. Is there anything we can do to help?”.
This shows you have made an observation that someone is not performing at their best, you are open to giving them assistance--that you care about the person. It is layered with kindness and may also open up the opportunity for the person on the other end to open up about why they have been struggling.
Maybe they are going through some times at home, which will inevitably affect their performance at work. Maybe they are seeing too many clients in a day and actually do not have time for notes within working hours.
2. Contempt
“If you have contempt for someone or something, you have no respect for them or think that they are unimportant.”
Contempt is when you think and express your superiority above someone else and can come across with sarcasm, eye rolling and name calling. There is not respect for the person’s opinion, thoughts and feeling. The person is left to feel inferior morally and in their personal character.
An example of contempt might be, “Yes, you are tired but so am I because I have to do A, B, C ….Z, whilst you only do A and B. Surely, you have more energy than me to complete all your tasks or are you not apt enough?” Here there is criticism, comparison, discounting and invalidating someone’s own personal experience and feelings.
Sometimes, contempt is bred, unknowingly, when your manager gives another colleague annual leave for a long weekend away but doesn’t give you annual leave for a day to see your husband celebrate a huge milestone in their career. Or maybe, when one new graduate receives more convenient shifts to suit their extracurricular activities but the same is not applied to your situation.
In the short term, if someone is feeling overworked and tired, one might express that they are feeling tired and overwhelmed and express what one needs. Period. No involvement of how the person opposite you should not/should be feeling.
In the long term, contempt is soothed by promoting a culture of appreciation, fondness and admiration. This means building an active awareness of expressing gratitude to colleagues. It does not have to be formal but it does work well when all are involved in the objective.
Here are some ideas.
Gratitude jar in the staff room: staff can reflect on some good things they are grateful for privately during breaks
A gratitude board where one writes a few things they are grateful for - clients and staff can participate depending on how your approach
Writing short post-it notes to colleagues expressing something you appreciate about them and why
These don’t have to be implemented and 'scheduled in' although that can help develop a positive habit in the initial stages. Sometimes, it’s as simple as a few people making a conscious effort during the day to say, “Hi Mike, I really appreciate all the work you do for us every day. Without you here we wouldn’t be able to run things as smoothly.” It could also be highlighting how a colleague has contributed to your day. For example, “You’re always so cheerful and kind. I was feeling a bit down this morning but when you asked me how I was doing, I felt uplifted already.”
3. Defensiveness
“Someone who is defensive is behaving in a way that shows they feel unsure or threatened.”
Another definition of defensiveness is, “...self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack”. Defensiveness is a response to criticism but comes across as blame by the ‘criticizer’.
Here is an example:
“Have you written the follow up letter for the surgeon who referred X to us?”
“No. I have not. I have been so busy today! Why can’t you see I don’t have time today?”
Sometimes the, “Why can’t you see I don’t have time today?” is expressed internally instead but exists as defensiveness nevertheless due to to tone of voice.
The antidote to defensiveness it to be accountable, to take responsibility even if it is only a sliver, for the situation. So another response for the above would be, “No, I have not written the letter yet. I am pretty busy today but I’ll put it on my priority list tomorrow. Thanks for reminding me.”
4. Stonewalling
“The act of stalling, evading, or filibustering…”
Stonewalling usually is the result of accumulative points from the first three horsemen. What could happen is the person might be ‘listening’ to the conversation or problem being discussed and nodding but is actually going to ignore everything being discussed post conversation. There is tuning out, turning away from the conversation or looking for distractions. The solution never occurs as a result of stonewalling.
Sometimes stonewalling or evading the extra mile for one week at work is resisted because there has been criticism or more often than not, lack of appreciation for the present work. Sometimes, lack of appreciation breeds contempt and then resentment...leading to the other horsemen.
Gottman suggests to respectfully expressing the need to take time out, soothe the flood of emotions from the conversation before re-entering in a state of calm for open and kind discussion.
Good relationships is what makes humans feel connected and have a purpose and should not be solely isolated to just couples. So, reflect on your current workplace relationships and ask yourself it the horsemen are present and what you can do with your team and leaders to create a happier, healthier and sustainable workplace. As much as it might be a staff member raising these concerns, remember, leaders lead the movement, not the campaign necessarily, but the movement. We spend a third of our day at work--we should actively foster good relationships here too.
Resources for further information
The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
Antidotes to the four horsemen
Definitions from the Collins Dictionary
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