The Day I Cried At Work - Physio Burnout
- The Little Physio
- Feb 23, 2019
- 3 min read
Updated: Mar 8, 2019
It is not uncommon to role play at work to improve physio-client relationship building, even when you are already out and fully fledged in the real physiotherapy world (#physiotherapy, #professionaldevelopment, #OSCES).
On this day, I played the physio and within a minute, I was weeping. Before the onset of tears, I remember my heart rate increasing, my face feeling hot and my brain telling me to get it all under control. I did not want to cry. With no avail, my rational brain lost; I could not stop the tears. I stayed in that room for an hour quietly weeping in the background with two work colleagues taking the lead and continuing to role play, drawing attention away from my sob as a way to make me feel better. This was the first time I cried at work, ever.
"...I was multi-burnt out, exhausted, feeling hopeless and depleted."
What happened?
I was #burntout. In retrospect, probably for the fourth time or maybe the fifth or sixth, at the very least, in the two years from graduating from my degree as a physiotherapist, which averages out to two burnouts per year. In short, I was multi-burnt out, -exhausted, -hopeless and -depleted (#burnout). I had been fluctuating between states of tolerable stress and drawing closer to burnout.
The cause of the multi-burnout stemmed from some common factors facing the working population: conflict between work hours and my mode of mentally refreshing from work, and conflict of work hours with my natural #circadian #rhythm. At the time, I was working full time 12pm - 8pm shifts and for half of the year working six days per week with no time off in lieu/rostered day off for exceeding a full time work caseload. This situation reduced quality time with my family, partner and friends during the week and weekend, as I spent most of the remaining hours outside of work recovering and in dread of the next day. All of these activities I rank as low energy demanding, highly rewarding and refreshing for mental health but the working hours just did not facilitate these activities.
This led to a vicious circle where my exhaustion meant I had very little to no energy to exercise, seek and socialise with people in my first tier group (people who are your besties), plan out hiking adventures and tackle creative projects. I have always been active and attentive to my relationships, outdoor activities and creativity. Ceasing these things entirely, not being motivated to pick a pencil up, feeling a sense of dread and panic when being asked to catch up, were signs of my multi-burnout.
Not being my usual self was a sign that I missed. I had put it down to the fact I was entering my third decade where hormones make a shift from the hyper twenties and when one's priorities change. The truth is I was obsessively reserving my energy to survive a week of work. Doing a little bit extra, having an extra 'demand' would impact my level of function at work. I had no extra energy for other people or my go-to happy activities. I was doing just enough to keep my head above water (#treadingwater).
Physically, I was getting headaches and shoulder pain (all of which would resolve once I stepped home), heart palpitations, ankle pain (again only at work and when I was severely fatigued), becoming short of breath and experiencing dizziness. Anxiety came through with my excessive cleaning at work and home. My mood was consistently low as were my energy levels despite 9-10 hours of sleep every day. I ignored the physical symptoms as they seemed to sporadic and not associated with a particular activity. My excessive cleaning, I labelled as 'being a neat freak', whilst the low energy I put down to non-ideal working hours.
With introspection and dissection of the situation, I have come to realise there were factors I was aware of contributing to burning out but there were plenty of other signs I was ignorant of or I chose to ignore. There were probably rational reason and excuses I listed to avoid facing what my body was telling me. It is now, only on the other side of burnout, in a state walking towards eudaimonia (#human #flourishing), an #Aristotelian #philosophy, that I recognise the other signs. I hope to be more attentive in the present moment and avoid burnout next time, as inevitably we always walk between the extremes. The great thing about the human spirit is it is flexible, adaptable and capable of bouncing back.
Look out for future blogs where I will address other thoughts stemming from this post - how I got out the burnout, crying as a woman, mental health load management, conversations I avoided and managing an upset work colleague.
There is a wealth of information on burnout. Here are some resources to get you started and be on the lookout for burnout signs:
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