What To Do When Someone Is Struggling
- The Little Physio
- Sep 13, 2019
- 4 min read
***CONTENT ALERT: This post refers to death and miscarriage***
It was R U OK Day recently. This day got me reflecting on some things that a person who is enduring a challenging event may appreciate hearing and seeing. By no means am I an expert but I found these things overwhelmingly heart warming and healing to hear.
Let’s admit it, there are times when we really feel perplexed as to what to do or say when we know someone is going through a tough time. This could be a family death, a pregnancy loss, a divorce, conflict in relationships, terminal illness or financial issues...just plain life ups and downs. So here are things to consider for your next conversation with a friend or colleague who is in a challenging time.
For the sake of clarity, let’s step into this article with death and grief in mind.
What do I say?
When someone tells you they someone has died, whether this is the death of an elderly parent or death of a baby, it can initially be hard to find the right words. What do you say? What is the right thing to say? Sometimes it’s hard to find the words because you care so much and you know how devastating this is for the person...but the words escape you. It’s okay to be uncomfortable as death and grief is not necessarily a topic that makes it to dinner conversations on a regular basis. So, consider this as a response, “That must be really hard. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say but thank-you for letting me know. I’m here to listen if you need someone.” This way you are acknowledging their pain and showing empathy and making it clear you are grateful they shared this with you. If it was brushed away quickly, it may give the impression that you are do not want to talk about it and the person on the other end may never bring it up again. This could break down a communication line that may be needed by the other person experiencing the isolation and loneliness that can come with grief.
Checking in
You have checked in on your work colleague and they have said they are okay and will let you know if they need a hand. Continue unobtrusively seeing how things are going and reassuring them you are there to listen. Having been on the receiving end of kindness and compassion, I cannot emphasise enough how much it made my day when a friend or work colleague gave a small nudge or asked, “How are things going?”. This opens up a space to allow one to share if needed. The kindness in the act of checking in speaks a thousand words and can turn around a day where one might be lost in grief. Actions do speak louder than words.
Let’s take it a step further. Let’s say a family death occurred in July and now it’s December. Once in a while check in to see how things are travelling. Why? Because anniversaries continue to pop in and out of lives and are reminders of a life that once was and what could have been. Anniversaries or little things can crop up at unexpected times serving as a reminder of death can reignite the memories and feelings of sadness, grief and loss.
At work
As a manager of an employee, one can influence how your employee can cope whilst navigating their personal struggle. If they have not requested leave, take it into your stride to bring up taking time off. When a friend of mine was struggling through a miscarriage, her partner’s leadership team immediately made it explicit that he could take as much time off as needed and that a transition back to work could also be implemented at a time when they were ready to return. Furthermore, each person on the leadership team made it clear that work was work, and all things would be managed with ease. Deadlines were shifted or projects were split between team members. When your leadership team expresses these things, the message projected was, life takes precedence over work, you take care of yourself and your partner. These actions diffused the pressure of having to perform at work when performance is likely to be affected and the stress of keeping their job. Additionally, once back at work, the team also allowed for flexibility to take time off again should the need arise as there are “good days and bad days” and you can never really predict when grief can hit you hard again.
Don’t be afraid ask
Have courage and bring it up. As much as the saying, “Silence is golden” can be useful, sometimes silence is not the best course of action. Being silent and avoiding the topic can suggest there is no care factor, brushing it under the carpet does not make it go away. Do you want to be seen as person who does not care? If you are silent because you find it awkward to talk about and think it’s a reminder of their grief, think if someone else can step in. However, word of advice, bringing ‘it’ up is not reminding them, one can’t be reminded of something they can’t forget and carry with them every day. Bringing it up may also break the isolation and loneliness one can feel when navigating grief.
Never underestimate the power of your actions and how they influence another person’s journey in and out of grief or their challenging experience. If in doubt, check in--it doesn’t take long and could make the difference between an awful day and a day that started off as more dark and gray to one with some sun showers.
If you are struggling and need some help. Reach out.
Lifeline
13 11 14
Beyond Blue
1300 224 636
Sands
1300 072 637
Comments